Poison Control

You all wanna know something that kinda sucks? I already wrote this entire blog post… BUT IT GOT DELETED. Perfect.

Anyways… to those of you who don’t know me.. HI! My name is Dom, well that is what my friends call me, but my birth certificate states “Dominique Lauren Maca”.. It’s got a little French and Czech in there, and to answer any questions… no, I am not black. I’m from a small town in Nebraska where people who don’t live here think we like to shuck corn and race our tractors for fun on Saturday nights. Well, guess what people, i’ve never even owned a tractor.

While I loved being raised in a smaller community, I think I always knew I was being called to the BIG city, like Omaha… anyone ever heard of it? It’s pretty nice. Growing up though I always knew I was a little quirky, mostly due to my long, lanky legs and oversized donk.. complete with an innapropriate sense of humor and smelly armpits. (Don’t worry people, that was just a middle school phase)…

A small town just can’t handle too many crazy people, so when I was a very mature 14 year old I packed my bags and headed to the first apartment in walking distance of a fast food restaurant. No joke, I called my friend on my pay-as-you-go phone from my third floor room just to tell her I could spot pink slime burgers from my window… Mmm! :)

Looking back, i’ve realized from the beginning the “awkward turtle” phrase was most likely created by someone who has known me since I was a child… probably a teacher who felt bad for me and didn’t know how to describe me to her friends.. “Oh well she’s just a little out-there, you know like she wears leapord pants and sings Willie Nelson to herself.. Yes, she has friends but she tends to laugh … alone.. A LOT.” How does one describe a little girl like that?

Even today, at 20 years old I never reached a level of normalcy like many I know. I mean, I still trip over my own pant legs, laugh like a hyena around extremely mature people, I crack naughty jokes around conservatives and drop the “Jesus is my Superhero” beat in crowds of people who just wanna stone the Jesus freaks… or just get stoned in general. I mean i’m not judgin, been there done all that people.

But for real, you know how people always say “that’s my life in a nutshell”? WRONG people, completely wrong on all accounts. I don’t have that priveledge. Mi vida has definitely found shelter under a turtles’ covering.

While i’m pretty confident in who I am, sometimes i’m almost a little too confident causing me to need to RETREAT once something dumb has been said or done due to my naive brain in social circumstances. I usually tend to be the one keeping conversations going, but how do I keep them going? I don’t shut up, and i’ll bring in facts about my 2nd grade choir concert when I was the one who got to pin Santa’s hat on the board. Who cares? How did I even bring up that fact in the midst of a talk on Global Warming? Seriously, I don’t even understand.

I can’t help that i’m overly in tune with movie quotes and get strange looks when I bring up the diarrhea i’ve had since last Easter. I cry when Fedex makes it back to his family, and can’t stand when people talk during a movie i’ve already seen a hundred times.

If you think that’s all I do, it’s definitely not. I can see a movie once and it immediately enters into some compartment in my brain that has a crazy capacity. I whip those babies out in every situation. Anywho, I like to go outside as well… A LOT. But that tends to bring trouble, on myself and others. I just can’t be tamed people, and due to that sense of adventure I almost always end up getting hurt or some sort of rash.

Like… right now. My right arm is COVERED in poison. From some sort of plant. My skin is so sensitive, if I even walk in the same forest where Poison Ivy lurks, I’ll be a walking boil for the next three months and a trip to the doctor for a steriod shot on my buttocks will be waiting. Yeesh!

I recently went to World’s of Fun with this disease on my arm and while all my friends gotta be all cute and stuff in their swimsuits, my infected limb had to sit this one out. Any chance of anyone even thinking I was remotely attractive was turned off my the oozing bubbles that escaped from my skin. Hey, i’m sure there were some real perves out there I was being protected from. Thanks Sumac, you’re a real friend.

Many of you may know me, and many of you may not, but just know I love to overshare and sometimes I will make things uncomfortable… But, hey that’s just how I roll and life goes on, right? If you don’t agree, just keep on scrollin cause this awkward turtle is expressing her thoughts to the world.